Hot Mess: An Expose

Y.K. Kim, who earned his black belt in Korea at the tender age of 13, looked out and saw a void that the world didn’t even know it had. Like the mouth of his unresisting costar, he would fill it with his fist.

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No actor in this movie would get called back for an audition in a high school play.

Miami Connection screams its battle cry as it rips through the seven circles of everything you can do wrong in making a movie, only to come out on the other side as the best film anybody in a certain Beech Street alley had ever seen.

This week’s fare was planned as well as Kim’s directorial debut.

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Intention…

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Actuality.

We’re making private spaces public, so the feasters can make the meal their own.

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Pro tip for embarking on roasted duck and pickled vegetable spring rolls: don’t depend on preparation instructions from the Vietnamese packaging or you’ll end up with unusable gloop instead of these.

springrolls

Heartwarming quotes from the kitchen: “Wow those look like chodes…” “And the wrappers feel like cheap condoms.”

Mápó tòfu, a piquant Sichuan specialty that literally translates into “Tofu of the Crone with a Pock-Marked Face.” Flawlessly executed.

tofu

But really, can you go wrong with pork and two kinds of wine?

Speaking of flawless execution…An equal opportunity synth band of 35-year-old mulleted, taekwando black-belted co-eds punch all the biker-ninja-drug dealers out of the shallow streams of Central Florida. It was the 80s. To aid you in understanding, break out some 9 dollar mascato and take a swing every time Dragon Sound’s number one hit “Against the Ninja” comes on during a scene.

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Your liver will despise you.

Come heat stroke or health inspector, we will be here for you. Belly is still a little jiggly, but we’re toning up so we can drape ourselves in towels and receive mail from our long lost fathers.

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Every screenshot is a gem.

. .

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